My Daughter's Father is a unique perspective on the challenges of parenting from a seldom-told vantage point: The single dad. Sam, a 33-year-old journalist, will write about the joy and heartache of loving and raising — and sharing — the most precious part of his life, Maddie. This candid essay about the anxiety of knowing that every decision helps mold his child into the woman she will become comes from a father who has grudgingly acknowledged that, no matter how hard we try, we parents will never have it all figured out.

October 2008 - Posts

• Can't win for losing

  The day Maddie's Mom and I decided we just could not go any further, the day we amicably agreed — one of the few times that ever happened — it was in Maddie's and our best interest to separate, was the first day from which I was always going to lose. I would give nearly anything to have Maddie live with me. "Nearly" because the one exceedingly narrow avenue I had to wrest my daughter from her Mom was one I could never go down: A custody battle. I knew from that first day the only way to ensure my daughter's happiness and the peace between her Mom and me was to be amenable to Mom's policy dictation. Clearly, duking it out to have Maddie would only serve to cement alienation and hostility, and that was a price I simply could not afford to pay. I remember the nastiness between my folks, mostly from my father, when they divorced — I was 7 — and the indelible mark it left on me not only forged how I feel about them, but also surely helped set the course that led to the unhealthy relationship I had with Maddie's Mom. I could not do that to Maddie. She was only 2 when we split; she doesn't remember any of the animosity between her parents, and on the rare occasion there is some now, it never happens in front of her. She is the happiest, most well-adjusted kid I know, and I'm certain that would not be the case had I opted for the other path. That doesn't mean I'm happy. This sucks. This hurts in ways I could have never imagined. Despite witnessing my folk's divorce, I never learned about the agonizing sense of loss — my brother and I were not our father's priority. Since Maddie and I usually just get weekends together, it's often play time. That's great, and we always have fun together, but it also means that we aren't interacting in ways we would if we lived together. I'm usually not making her clean her room or do her homework or the other things that Dads do. I have done some of that lately, but it steals from me the little bit of time I get to spend with her. Even when we are together, I feel like I'm losing with her. I try to maintain perspective, though it isn't easy to do. This situation, this life I've carved out for us, isn't right, and no amount of rationalizing and putting a happy face on it is going to get back all the moments I know I've missed, I know I'm missing right now. Because Maddie isn't here. Posted Oct 20 2008, 03:53 PM by My Daughter's Father with no comments Filed under: Maddie, relationship, custody, divorce, weekends, quality time

• MDF: At long last, back to our story

  This post has been an extremely long time in coming. I’ve opined and gone on work-related tangents for the last couple of months and have completely lost sight of why I began writing here in the first place. Thus, I've included an excerpt from my original post as prelude to refresh the memory. For my newer readers, the post about meeting and falling for Maddie's Mom will explain a lot.  And, of course, thanks for reading. I've wanted children as long as I can remember. Okay, since I was about 12, but really, when you start wanting to have your own child at such an early age, isn't it essentially a lifetime? I had been especially drawn to babies, in a nurturing, loving way that I couldn't explain nor understand then, though I now recognize as vicariism, a catharsis for that which I lacked as a child. But when Maddie's Mom called, crying, to tell me I was going to be a father, it wasn't the joyous occasion of which I had dreamt. Mom (I'd prefer not to name her, so Mom will have to suffice) and I had, at that time, been dating for about three years, which was probably about two years too long. We met in college and had a lot of fun times together, but trust and honesty issues plagued our relationship and dug a hole from which we could never recover. I was interning in New Orleans when the news came; Mom was back in Indiana. Our relationship was in disrepair when I left for the South, and had we not gotten pregnant, I'm certain we would have broken up that summer. Now, on with our story ...  Maddie’s Mom and I had an on-again, off-again relationship for, well, nearly the whole time we were together. The overwhelming force of our attraction to each other created a passion we could not wield, and it would inevitably lead to our undoing. To say I mishandled most things regarding our pregnancy would be a gross understatement; in a land of fools, I reigned supreme. It’s stunning the mistakes I could make when my immaturity, insecurity and selfishness collided with one of the biggest moments in my life. I didn’t trust her, and I’m sure she didn’t trust me. When I left for New Orleans in May 2000, I was fairly certain it would be the end of us. Going away for three months and becoming subsumed in a different life would have made it far easier for me to cut the tether and free us from the ridiculousness that often defined our love affair. So, when she told me she was pregnant, I did what any loathsome *** would: I questioned whether I was the father. Yeah … let that sink in for a minute. Understand, I wasn’t seeking to walk away from her or my child. I had wanted to become a father for as long as I could remember, and there was never one second that I felt anxious or scared about having a baby, even with her, despite all that was wrong about us. The insecurity and mistrust in our relationship had simply become undeniable parts of our dynamic, things that we could not put away. Questioning her was not so much a willful act but an uncontrollable certainty. And she saw it coming. And that christened our journey into parenthood. Posted Oct 15 2008, 06:11 PM by My Daughter's Father with no comments Filed under: Maddie, relationship, pregnant, love, parenting, trust, Mom, insecurity

• Juvenile industry largesse: A brief rant

  We've progressed in society; it's now perfectly acceptable that our children take a back seat to how we feel our personal desires and sense of self are being met. Perhaps I'm naive. I wasn't born with a silver spoon dangling from my lips, and I was never used by my folks as a living display of their brilliant fashion sense. Which is why I don't get some of the ridiculously overpriced and completely unnecessary products at the ABC Kids Expo in Las Vegas. I appreciate free enterprise and the great innovations that spring from folks trying to make their way, but come on. The most egregious of these was a new company that designs fashionable baby blankets, ostensibly to show friends and passers-by how hip and trendy Mommy is. Balloons and bunnies and teddy bears lost out to garish, sparkling paisley print. Soft cotton, the bedrock of swaddling since before the manger, has given way to silk brocade. And you can engender a budding lack of self-esteem in your baby for a mere $180. The company's site states the blankets were created with "today's fashion-conscious mother and baby" in mind and appeal to "moms who only want the best for their stylish babies." Fashion-conscious babies. Thank God Maddie missed out on that stage. Posted Oct 05 2008, 08:58 PM by My Daughter's Father with no comments Filed under: Maddie, ABC Kids Expo, innovation, fashion, baby blankets

• Some "It's about time" innovations highlight Kids Expo

  Ever see something new for parents and think to yourself, "Why on earth wasn't that around when my kids were little?" The ABC Kids Expo showcased several hundred vendors selling just about everything you could imagine - and some things you shouldn't. I mean, I'm certain they're wonderful, but there's something odd about a mannequin gazing intently into her laptop while strapped into a hands-free breast pump. Understand, I didn't have the time or opportunity to see every booth at the convention; I'm sure there were plenty of other amazing contraptions I missed out on. And, I'm not an aficionado on all things baby; something similar to this product may be out there already, but I haven't seen it. Why didn't they think of this before? One of the most frustrating aspects of traveling with Maddie when she was a baby was trying to get her and her seat in the back of the car. It can be a contortionistic nightmare, and I'd often wind up with a rain-soaked backside. Orbit Baby, Inc. has come up with something so obvious, the entire baby seat industry should be rifling through the 'fridge for a V8. The concept is simple ... and genius. They've created a car seat-stroller combination that utilizes a rotating dock. The car seat base, with a metal docking ring, is "permanently" secured in the back of your car. The car seat, with a mounting ring underneath, can be set in place with the baby facing you. Once secured, you simply swivel the car seat to face the front or back. See a video on the Orbit Baby system in the media player here. I didn't actually pick up the seat; I'm guessing it has more weight to it than your average Graco. But the incredible ease of use, in my opinion, more than makes up for a couple extra pounds. Since the stroller carriage also has a docking ring, you can literally pick the seat up from one dock and plop it on another. If I'm fortunate enough to have another child, this is at the top of the baby shower list. Now, if they'd only invent something to pick up the pacifier from the floorboard ... Posted Oct 01 2008, 07:26 PM by My Daughter's Father with no comments Filed under: Maddie, ABC Kids Expo, Orbit Baby, car seat, Inc., innovation