Well, it's about that time of month again.  I've been reading everyone's posts this month keeping tabs.  Now I'm here because I know that someone out there understands and has been or is where I am today.  I've just passed the anniversary date of my MC.  I survived that and sent some pretty pink balloons up heavens way.  I pray that AF doesn't show up and that I get my BFP.  Like last month, I have every pregnancy symptom in the book.  Except the BFP.  My system fooled me last time.  I don't trust my body this time.  It was too hard getting my hopes dashed last month.  I realize that it's only been 6 months of TTC and for some of you that's just the beginning.  It feels like the cards are stacked against me and I'm running out of time.  We are at the 6 months my DR gave us when we first started TTC. 

What happens (or hopefully doesn't happen) this week will at least point us in one direction or another.  If AF shows, it's back to the DR.  I'm not sure what our next step will be.  I've determined through BBT and OPKs that I am ovulating so chlomid is out this time.  What's next?  I hope he doesn't recommend that it be over even though he did only give us 6 months.  I've got to believe there's at least one more baby in there.  DH says that it's in God's hands and we just need to be patient.  Easier said than done!  It's hard to resist the urge to rip his tongue out when he says that.  It's obvious that he has no idea how emotionally tormenting it is to be tricked by your body.  I'm tired.  The roller coaster is getting tough.  But the thought of holding that baby still makes the agony worth it. 

Not wanting to get my hopes up but afraid they already are...

Mike's Girl

 I'm sorry to hear you and ur DH have had some road bumps on the TTC journey. My husband and I were told by our doctors if we didn't get pregnant in 6 months we would see a Fertility doctor. Well at the 6 month we got pregnant. I have high risk HPV and have had a cone biopsy to remove precancerous cells on my cervix. And your DH is right, it is in God's hands and yea it's hard not to get your hopes up when you want it so badly. I wish you the best of luck!

ah, my heart goes out for you. We have been trying for almost a year, as after we found out I have severe endometriosis, we were told it would be a good option to start trying. I had surgery to "clean it up" last June, got pregnant in August and miscarried Sept 27th. My doctor at the time had given me the 6 months after surgery to get pregnant and if that didnt work then fertility treatments. Well considering I did get pregnant it pushed that 6 months even farther. And all I could kepe thinking is "All I want is a baby people, its not your bodies, let ME make the choice to start it!!" obviously not how the medical field works, but I was frustrated. I went and saw him after that 6 months to tell him I was in constant pain from the endo and we needed to do something to increase the odds of pregnancy as I feared the endo had flared up again. He actually told me we should probably put the baby dream on the shelf! I almost punched him. I dont care if I have to live in excrutiating pain for the rest of my life, I want a baby. being told you have a disease that is only stopped by stopping your period, there are only a few options. And at 22 and married, I think there is a reason that God let me find out so we CAN start trying before its too late. After that I switched doctors, went to a FABULOUS specialist, had the surgery again and now have to wait until June to start trying again so I am healed up. Its so aggrivating and frustrating because its all a waiting game. And its so easy for them to say oh we have to "wait it out" or you cant try until this time and cant try this time and yada yada.

I didnt mean to pour out my story(I feel better though now!!) but wanted to tell you my heart goes out to you because I know all the time, every day of my life, how it feels to have the cards stacked against you in this struggle. And its hard to talk about it to others because they either have kids already(at 22, thats not so much my case) or they just arent in the same boat you are in( thats what i struggle with, being able to talk to people about it because they arent there and dont understand). I hope things turn out the best way possible for you. :(

I feel for you immensly. And I pray that we both one day will have the joy and pleasure of holding a beautiful healthy baby.

Ooopsi meant a smily after things turning out the best way possible...

not the frown face!

I just wanted to say that I feel for both of you immensely. My husband and I tried for 2 1/2 years and we are now 30 weeks along with our first. So trust in God's will and know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen. I just wanted to wish you luck and say that i'll be praying for you guys and waiting to hear about BFPs hopefully! Oh and to the one who said clomid is out...thats not true, they can use clomid to make sure that you ovulate more than one egg, just so you know its not all scary treatments left, clomid should still be on the table! Good luck and keep us posted!

Shanie

Thank you for the kind words. My husband and I have been trying to tell ourselves its in God's hands and we have to wait until its our time, but its not an easy road. I hate the wondering and even though you arent supposed to, the worry. I worry that it wont happen for us, and then as a woman, what is it that I have to offer anyone, as I cant reproduce. I know there are so many options and I tend to get ahead of myself, but losing one already just put a different damper on all of this versus had we just been trying unsuccesfully. At least thats how I feel, because with all we went through with the first pregnancy, it almost SCARES me to be pregnant again, even though I want it so bad! Its werid feelings, but I cant help it!!!!! This time though, I think I will be more serious about it. When we first got pregnant, I didnt know I was until I had started bleeding really weirdly. I didnt think it would happen so soon seen as I have very severe endo, and as I thought that I had gotten my period(that implantation bleeding can be tricky) so I went about as if I werent pregnant. Then after losing the baby, my heart wasnt really into the trying once we could again because I was terrified my disorder would wreck it.
But since having a new doctor preform the surgery more extensively(this one took 3 hours versus the last one that was 40 minutes), I feel more confident that it will happen because that seems to be his goal. So I will trust what he has to say and do what he tells me! i quit smoking, I am not going to be drinking, I am working out, we will actaully use the ovulation kits and have sex(before like I said, I wasnt really into it after losing the first baby). So I am keeping my hopes high and staying positive this time and we will just see what happnes.

I registered at this site when I found out I was pregnant(for 4 days I was officially pregnant in my mind until they confirmed that the HcG level wasnt rising the right way), and hadnt been on since, but this is really nice to kind of devulge and share and learn about the stuggles this can entail. I dont feel so alone anymore! Very awesome.

Can anyone tell me where I might find out what the abbrevations used are? Like I have no idea what BFP is... is that bad of me!? Should I know that kind of thing! ha ha ha...

Thanks!

THIS is EXACTLY why I joined this site!  I'M NOT ALONE or NUTS!  Well, maybe I'm still a little of the last one.    First of all, BFP I've found means Big Fat Positive.  Though I could be wrong on the specifics because I too have never seen anything on the abbreviations.  I've just picked up some things here and there from reading other posts. 

 A huge thank you to the wonderful person who shared that chlomid isn't out.  Scary is a good descriptive word of the other options that exist. 

I too have severe endo with cysts, polyps, a past miscarriage, several surgeries and only one ovary.  My doctor has suggested that the best thing for me would be to get pregnant and stay that way.  The only other option is to induce menopause.  I'm not really excited about that and don't even want to consider that as an option.  Unfortunately, my job does not help.  The stress level there is intense.  I'm trying to regain some perspective and balance after having taken a leave of absence to get through a traumatic death of a coworker that I tried to save with CPR.  I REFUSE to let it get out of control again.  I want a family more than I want that job.  They don't deserve to have my time and take my ability to have a family (hopefully if any of my employees are on this site, they won't recognize me).  :o)

DH and I took a little trip last weekend and I also happened to be ovulating.  Hopefully the trip was the magic we needed.  Like some of the other stories above, it was at that 6 month mark that it happened for them.  Maybe, just maybe it's our turn.  I'm just afraid to get my hopes up again.  It really hurt last month going through my period and knowing I failed again.  Mother's Day is coming up...  need I say more.  Ouch.  It hurts just thinking about it.  And here I sit "slapping" myself around saying "toughen up".  You can do it!  It will happen!  Keep believing!    There's that nuts part I referred to earlier. 

wow, thats exaclty how I felt when I was told my options with the endo, pregnancy as soon as possible because sometimes that can cure it, but it would obviously stop the pain and give me a baby, or that shot for menapause. I didnt even entertain that idea. I am 22, there is NO reason at all that my body should be in chemically induced menapause. If thats gonna happen, its gonna be the good old fashioned way, thats for darn sure.

I know that feeling as you do, where you get the period and you dont want to be bummed, everyone tells you not to be, but you cant help it... and you TRY to not be like that, but its that little twinge in the pit of your stomach that just aches for a few moments. Yep, had me many a moment as that in my bathroom peeing on the dang stick that always says no! And then the one time I wasnt anxiously awating the period(as I thought I had gotten one) oh, then Im pregnant! ha ha ha! I can joke about it now, because in the long run, there was obviously a reason my body rejected that pregnancy even if I will never understand why, but the knowledge and strength I gained through that is irreplacable. At least if it never happens for us, I can always hold onto the memory of my husband and I sitting in the dr's office and hearing her say, well your pregnant. It was a moment that is unexplainable and completely fabulous. I will never forget it. But as great as it was, I worry I will never share that look again. You cant let that control your thoughts, but its really hard sometimes!!!

Women are always expected to be so tough about stuff, sometimes I think I am OVER tough, telling everyone it doesnt bother me, then coming to these sites and realizing it does and its OK to talk it out and confide in people about it. Its nice to talk to people that understand it though, that are in the same boat, because the advice given is much easier to take to heart, versus someone who has 5 kids hanging off them saying, oh it will happen I just know it will. Well, seen as you were blessed with a zoo of kids, I really dont think you have had to feel stripped of your womanhood as I have so thanks for the advice, but you dont get it. I would never say that to anyone, but once in a while I have thought it!!!!

It didnt help when I was pregnant, every woman- NO JOKE- that hadnt already had kids, was pregnant. There was FOUR woman pregnant at my work. That statistic that says 1 in 5 pregnancies leads to miscarriage or whatever. Yep, I was that 1 of 5. Then you feel like, really??? Why me?? That sucks to be torn like that for people when they are pregs! I want to be over joyed for people because its WONDERFUL, but I always have that selfish moment of refelection!!!

Geez, I am a yapper on this thing, I think I am just so darn excited to be able to dish this stuff out to a comforting ear!!!

I was honest when I said I will be thinking the best thoughts for you- I have painted myself as a little bitter about other people's pregnancy, but it only lasts a second then I rejoice in the fact that its able to happen for someone! So lets hope that little trip away DID work out in the best possible way! :)

Well, as luck would have it, AF showed up today.  I need to find something else to be focused on for a while.  Everyone keeps telling me to stop "working" so hard at it and it will happen.  I'm sure I can find something.  :o) 

 Good luck to you!  Hopefully you find your BFP this month!

Anyone doing IUI or has done IUI?  Just going for my first IUI this Saturday.

Everyone that ISNT trying always says that, I hate it! Its SO much easier said then done!!

Luckily for me, we cant start trying until June after I follow up with the surgeon AGAIN, so I wont get myself all worked up about it this month.

This weekend wont be fun- mothers day. Seen as I was due May 1st, it would have been my first mothers day. Oh well, I guess the big guy has different plans for me, gotta trust him! ha ha ha!

Good luck to you as well, in the conception AND taking your mind off of it!

What is IUI?  I've never heard of it? 

IUI - Intra Uterine Insemination? I think. I am really sorry about AF and I can't imagine how you both must feel, I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and hope to see good things for you both soon. June is next month!

Thank you for your encouragement!  It's such a rocky road.  Most of the month I can get through believing it can happen for us.  Then the week before AF I hope so hard that this is it.  AF shows up and it's down in the dumps and then the cycle starts back over again.  I'm not a huge fan of roller coasters so this is one ride I'd like to get off!  :o)  I spoke with my Dr's nurse about my pattern over the last six months and she agreed that it was time the Dr and I had a little chat to discuss our next steps.  I'm scheduled for Monday.  I'm not sure what he'll suggest but something's got to be better than nothing, right? 

That is awesome that you have an appt. Even if it isnt much, just addressing the fact that its been difficult and bringing it to his attention is great! Let us know what happens... and BEST OF LUCK to you and your hubby! I am counting down the days till I see my doc June 16th and get the go ahead. HOPEFULLY get the go ahead...that would really upset me if we didnt! ha ha ha ha!

Have a good day!