It's 3:30 AM and I can't sleep. The day's activities keep flowing through my head. The heavy bleeding. The ER doctor telling me my baby no longer has a heartbeat. "We'll just let nature take its course." he said. 8 weeks 3 days. Home I went. Pain medicine perscribed but I'm not sure which pain is worse, the physical or the emotional. I feel stunned. We knew there were risks with the subchorionic hematoma but nothing can truly prepare you for this. I'm trying to imagine my two older children's reaction when we tell them. The heartache is not just mine. So many people prayed and hoped for DH and I when we were trying and struggling. Finally success! Everyone was so excited and crying tears of joy. Everyone prayed for this baby. This wasn't just my baby, it was everyone's. Now, there's nothing but sadness. There's hope for the future as well. We will try again. But right now this hurts. My baby is still in there but is no longer alive. That dumb subchorionic hematoma! It stole my baby from me.
Life goes on and all these decisions need to be made. Do we still need to move now? I'm committed to my job longer now and don't want to be. I was going to leave when the baby came. The end of the tunnel was in sight and now... I don't know. We were waiting for this so long that by the time we finally got our BFP we knew what we wanted and how it would work. Now, it's all gone. It seems so unfair. There's not enough info on subchorionic hematomas to tell anyone how you get them and how you prevent yourself from getting them. Most often, from what I've read, they steal your baby's life by blocking the flow of blood and oxygen to the baby. oh, so much emotion. Wish I could sleep.