Toddlers are busy little beings. They are learning all sorts of new things, and often they are learning so quickly that it’s hard for the rest of us to keep up. In addition, they are beginning to interact with others, forming close bonds with close family members. Experts agree that we learn much about relationships through the first relationships we have as children.
Extended Family and Close Friends
Including the extended family and other close friends in your toddler’s life is one of the best gifts you can give. Parents can get caught up in the day-to-day rearing of children, and they sometimes overlook the relationship needs of a child. A parent cannot provide 100 percent of a child’s needs. In a two-parent family, often the mother has strengths that the father doesn’t and vice versa. Between the two of them, they can generally meet most of their child’s needs, but allowing close family and friends to help ensures that additional needs will be met as well.
Being part of a family is the toddler’s first brush with socialization. Her social skills are learned, not natural. It will be up to you to teach her how to play and interact with others. Because much of the way she learns is through observation, the way you interact with others will be closely watched. All of your relationships have the ability to impart something useful to your toddler.
What you are offering during this time is the opportunity to observe social skills and to imitate them. Your toddler is likely to mimic the attributes of family members and friends that you find appealing.
Spoiling Toddlers
Extended family -- grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- are invaluable. They love your child like no one else will, often believing that your little angel is perfect despite evidence to the contrary! Is it alright if these individuals spoil your toddler? Yes and no. All children need people in their lives who think they hung the moon; being spoiled goes along with that. But there are two ways to “spoil” a child.
The first is to give a child everything she wants, and when she misbehaves, do nothing about it but insist that she is fine. This child will probably turn into a spoiled brat. She will learn to have no regard for others and their feelings, and she will expect everyone, not just her family, to treat her in the same way. She comes to truly believe the world revolves around her.
The second kind of spoiled child is the one who is treated like she hung the moon by her grandparents or other adults in her life. She is showered with gifts and fun times. The difference is this: when she does something wrong, her loved ones are able to separate the acts from the child. She is punished, and she is expected to take responsibility. Parents often blame a child’s wrongdoing on themselves, as if their child’s misbehavior is a reflection on them. Grandparents, aunts and uncles are removed enough that they don’t take a child’s misdeeds so personally. What a wonderful gift to give a toddler -- security in her relatives’ love and acceptance.
© 2007, Rebecca Rutledge, Ph.D.
from The Playskool Guide to the Toddler Years: Professional, Reassuring Advice on Surviving—and Thriving—During the Toddler Years, Sourcebooks, Inc., 2007