I never felt the need to be friends with my children -- not when they were eight or ten. Not even when they were sixteen years old. My kids had their own friends and I had mine. I never set out to win any popularity contests on the home front. Like my mother, I know my kids don't have to like me -- neither do yours.
My mother's overall message was a good one; I finally understand it: being a parent is not about being right, it's about doing right. It's about serving as a steadfast role model for your children, no matter what. Children really do look to adults for examples and guidance (you just never meet a teenager who would admit it).
Here's a secret: I didn't even like my mother until I was forty years old. Did I love her? Yes. I also respected her. Sure, when I was growing up I resented her when she was right about things -- and, believe me, she always was.
Be honest. When you first had your baby were you torn between being a parent and a friend to the child? In my world, there is no decision to make. It was made when you had your child. As a parent, you are responsible for your child's mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. Your friends don't ask you to be accountable for them in the same way, do they?
After all, I don't tell my friends what to do or punish them if they don't keep a promise to me (ok, I usually act kind of cool toward them for awhile, but you know what I mean). I don't make rules for them and certainly never enforce any. My friends also don't expect me to provide their security or be their protector.
You ask me: Mama Rock, can't I be both a parent and a friend to my children? Listen, when parents say they want to be friends with a child it is usually about pleasing the child; after all, no one likes friction. Every parent must have the courage to be in charge and to say no. You can have fun with your kids just like you can with a friend -- we had plenty of fun -- but you can't be afraid to enforce the rules because you might lose your child's affection. As parents, we have to protect our children. That is a job for a parent -- not a friend.
So how do you start being a good, strong parent? First and foremost, establish a hierarchy about who is in charge in your family. It's really quite simple:
Rule #1: I am the Parent. I make the rules.
Rule #2: You are the child. You follow the rules.
Rule #3: Any problems, refer to Rule #1.
The whole thing with rules is this: it's all about responsibility. When you make guidelines, it makes life easier, it manages expectations. Don't wait! Start early and start them young.
What happens if you don't? Well, have you ever seen parents who allow a toddler to hit them in the face because they think it's so cute? Later, when the child is five or six and hits them in front of others, they are embarrassed. What if the kid keeps on punching when he or she is older? Think about that. Negative behavior like that means the parents started the rules too late (or not at all). Listen up: if you don't stop those things early, you will be scared of your own child in your own house.
Think about it this way: approach child rearing like you would if you had a flat tire on your car. As soon as you feel the first jolt of the flat, you stop and change it, right? If you try and drive to the nearest station (even if it's only a few blocks away) the tire will be damaged and the rim will be bent out of shape. The same holds true when you raise a child. Stop and regroup at the first blowout. Provide a powerful, initial action or consequence when the offensive behavior first occurs so you won't end up bent out of shape.
© 2008, Rose Rock with Valerie Graham From Mama Rock’s Rules: Ten Lessons for Raising a Household of Successful Children, published by HarperCollins Publishers.