Being pregnant means sharing your body with someone else. But voluntarily accommodating a baby is one thing; being subject to the hands-on approach of everyone you meet is quite another. For as soon as you are visibly with child, you will be touched, your belly rubbed and your figure stared up and down. Previously pregnant women will check out your ankles (to see how swollen they are) and your bump (to see whether you’re carrying high or low). The never-been-pregnant crowd will stare at your belly (because it’s just so big and round) and your boobs (likewise). Maybe people think that because you were uninhibited enough to get pregnant in the first place you must have no concept of personal space. Or maybe -- just maybe -- people are just freaks.
Of course, it all depends on who’s doing the touching. Close friends, your sister, even the father of your child may all be within long-established rights to get intimate with your person. These are the people who hug and kiss you to say hello. They’ve seen you naked or, at the very least, wearing your oldest underwear. They can ruffle your hair, lean their head on your shoulder, pat you on the butt, and it’s all just dandy. You know them and like them and feel comfortable with them in close proximity -- and that’s what sets them apart from the man standing next to you in line in the post office, the woman weighing your coffee beans and the lady who shares your seat on the bus, all of whom feel an inexplicable need to connect on a tactile level with you and your lovely big belly.
The trick, then, is to create an impenetrable exclusion zone around your entire body, and double layer it around the especially attractive magnet that is your tummy. Consider incorporating one or more of the following strategies into your personal armory:
Develop an unapproachable demeanor.
To a serious belly toucher, your bump just screams, “Caress me!” Be sure, then, that your face gives a stronger, contrary message -- something along the lines of “Come any closer and I’ll kick you really hard.”
Wear a large handbag diagonally across your body.
A really capacious purse acts like force field, protecting your belly from all comers. As a side benefit, it also means that you’ll never be more than eighteen inches from your next snack. The only downside is that a purse slung across your middle, like horizontal stripes and pussycat bows, will only add to the illusion (or reality) of bulk.
Retch slightly, as if you might be about to throw up.
For even the most ardent belly toucher, the unpleasant possibility of being vomited on outweighs the perceived pleasure of a good old pat.
Spell it out.
Have a few tee shirts printed with a gentle and non-confrontational message like “Hands off, Lady” or “My body, my baby, my belly,” or the modern classic, “I have Ebola.”
© 2006, Kate Hodson
from Milk It: How to Get More Than a Baby out of the Next Nine Months, Chronicle Books, 2006