Sex and the Multiples Mama

Unless your double blessings were foretold by an archangel’s annunciation, you have an earthly companion in your twin acquisition. Ideally, intimacy (beyond the sheer act of the twins’ conception) exists between the two of you that will need to be maintained amidst a cavalcade of new emotions and adjustments. 

So what can you expect as a couple in the early days with newborn twins? How can your relationship not only survive, but thrive? What can you do to keep love alive? 

Once the twins arrive, expect prolific advice on how to coddle your marriage, from girlfriends, and elsewhere. “Mandatory date nights,” “appointments for sex,” “child-free weekend getaways,” are phrases that have permeated our pre-procreation mindset. 

Magazine psychology and talk-show fodder aside, it is important to discuss how you both approach maintaining your special husband/wife relationship after the twins are born.  My husband and I felt liberated when we talked about the oft-extolled concept of “mandatory date nights” and realized for us, the idea was ludicrous. Yet, other couples may find it an integral piece of their parental pie. Get all ideas on the table. In our case, we did commit that if we ever felt we were due for, or just wanted, some non-twins-in-attendance man and wife time, we would address it, and arrange it. 

Watching your partner swaddle a baby, create giggle-provoking tandem belly poke games, rinse the breast pump funnels, empty the diaper pail while singing “Old McDonald Had A Farm,” a whole new collection of attractive qualities will emerge in your spouse with the arrival of your twins. Even if you are too tired to act upon it, you will be amazed at what becomes “arousing”!

So what about arousal after twin-arrival? How soon and how often can/should new twin parents expect to have sex? What is the “norm”?

First and foremost, wait for your doctor’s okay to rejoin the world of the sexually active.
Most ob/gyns schedule a six-week post-partum examination for new mommies, and in that appointment, typically an approval is given.

No doubt you have heard tales of women (and men) champing at the bit to resume physically intimate relations following the birth of their children. 

Guess what? Plenty of new parents, especially those with newborn multiples, do not feel the urge to (and consequently do not) rush back into sex right away. But do you think those people proudly and publicly proclaim that fact? No way!

Remember the bravado and lurid embellishment of those high school locker room talks? What you are hearing now is the full-grown adult parental version.
Just as in high school, some of the vocal folks are genuinely libidinous, and may even be good-heartedly trying to encourage (or peer-pressure) you to get in the game. 

Just like in high school, as a new twin mom, I listened in utter fascination to those who were willing to share their erotic exploits, but was thoroughly unwilling to participate personally.  A sociological study should be done on those locker room lecturers to determine if they are the same new parents who jump the gun (and each other) before the ob/gyn blesses the act.

So for those of you around the perimeter of the locker room who laborious folded your gym clothes, while the few, the proud, the libertines shared stories suitable for soft-core porn; you are not alone. Raise your head, and be honest about your feelings with your partner. You may just be of the same mind. Fortunately in our house, we were. But it took a bit of courage mustering before I could even address the topic of resuming physical intimacy.

So what is the “norm” for returning to the marital bed after the birth of multiples? 

You decide the norm for you. Respondents to surveys regarding sexual habits are notoriously more concerned with how they think they should respond vs. the actual truth, and answer questions about their sex-lives accordingly. Shun the skewed surveys, and make your own decision as a couple. When you both are ready, resume.

Thankfully, having sex isn’t what makes you sexy. Sexy isn’t about returning to your pre-pregnancy weight, making dates to make love or even making sure you shower.

Sexy is finding a new attractiveness in your own skin. Sexy is acknowledging the magnitude of your fresh, and exclusively-female, foray into motherhood.  Sexy is having the self-possession to truthfully admit that sleep may just trump sex in your biological urge hierarchy -- at least for now.