Handling Judgment : Stand Confidently as a New Mom

Motherhood can be a divisive issue. Even among mothers. Fortunately or unfortunately, people tend to have strong feelings about motherhood, and they’re not always shy about sharing them. The clearer you are about what you believe, the more confident you will feel as a mother. But if you’re feeling at all vulnerable (and what new mother doesn’t?), even the most well-intentioned judgment can feel like an attack. Maintaining faith in your values, beliefs and the choices you make is a considerable challenge when you feel that they are questioned.

Feeling judged as a new mother can be unsettling. If you decide to go back to work, there will be friends or family who believe you should be staying home with your baby. If you decide to stay home, there will be someone who thinks you shouldn’t give up your career. If you decide to breastfeed, someone will object to you nursing in public, and if you use formula, someone else will say you should nurse. As if having a baby and changing your whole life aren’t enough to manage, you have to cope with everyone else’s opinions as well. It helps to have a few strategies for handling judgment in your pocket.

Getting Curious
Motherhood can be a humbling experience, full of personal challenges. When you feel judged by other people, remember that they had their challenges, too. Instead of gasping, “I can’t believe she said that,” you can ask, “I wonder what made her say that?” For instance, the person you’re talking to may feel she never had choices in her life and could be speaking out of resentment or regret. Perhaps she did things differently than you, so she thinks what you’re doing makes her wrong. Getting curious about other people’s experiences can help you see their comments in a different light.

When people confront you with their beliefs, try to see where they could be coming from. This is not the same as feeling pity or judging them back. A good way to handle judgment is to have compassion and forgiveness and then get back to making your life work for you.

Assuming Best Intent
When people tell you what to do, what not to do, or in any way accuse you of not doing something “right,” you can detach yourself from the criticism by assuming they mean well. Often, they do.

Take Lauren for instance. Lauren was positively vicious to mothers who didn’t correctly strap their babies into car seats, strollers or grocery carts. As an emergency room doctor, she had seen more injuries and deaths from improper safety than she could count. She may have come across as judgmental, but she merely wanted to save another mother from that pain.

Leslie tended to chide mothers whose babies didn’t sleep through the night. Even though she came across as judgmental, she really meant to be helpful. She had been very successful getting her twins to sleep and felt so much better when she did that she wanted other mothers to get the same relief.

No matter where you stand with respect to motherhood, there’s always another point of view. If you can assume the best about people’s intentions, you’re less likely to feel judged yourself.

Speaking Your Truth
Standing strong in the face of judgment requires you to speak your truth. You know whose best interest you have at heart. You know what’s best for you. When other people question your decisions, thoughts or plans, you can return to your values and beliefs. Simply remembering them can help you ward off unwelcome opinions. You can share your thoughts with others to help them see why you’ve made the choices you have. Just don’t be attached to their approval.

Sharing decisions might sound something like these statements below:

• Imagine someone is pressuring you to join a committee. You say, “Family life is one of my highest values. I’m choosing to spend more time with my child now instead of taking on new commitments.”
• Imagine someone is questioning the way you are feeding your baby. You say, “I believe in the benefits of nursing, and it’s something I want to do for my daughter,” or, “Nursing wasn’t right for us, and I believe that what’s most important is that my son is healthy and loved.”
• Imagine someone is questioning your decision about working after the baby is born. You say, “It’s important to me to grow in my career as I grow in my personal life. I’m looking for a way to balance both that honors my professional life and my family,” or “I really value focus and am choosing to focus my full attention on my role as a mother for now.  

When you openly share your decisions with other people, you are speaking your truth and   strengthening your commitment to being the mother you want to be.